Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed., is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist and a clinical member of The Canadian Registry for Marriage and Family Therapy. She is a consultant to families in business on inter personal relationships. She is also the author of books on personal growth through travel. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

First know what you want to accomplish then look for the speaker who is most suitable for your needs.

When calling a speaker, be prepared!

l. What is the date, time and location of your event? Is there flexibility?

Many meetings are planned before the search for a speaker begins and this could result in difficulty getting the speaker you most desire. If you make your initial call to the speaker with two or three optional dates you will have a better chance of getting a commitment.

2. What is the time available?

Professional speakers start and finish on schedule and deliver an appropriate amount of material in the allotted time. Too much material in too short a time leaves participants tired and confused. Too little information results in a bored and disinterested audience who leave the meeting lacking energy and commitment to implement the information into their lives. The time must fit the topic content to leave the participants motivated and energized.

3. What topic is required? What new information and skills do you hope to have the participants acquire ?

The clearer you can be with your expectations the better the chance that your needs will be met. Giving your speaker the benefits you hope to achieve with the individuals involved help her plan the material to best suit the situation.

4. What is the financial budget? How will this be spent?

Speakers have fees for their services. The price is influenced by the expertise of the speaker, length of the presentation, the handouts required and the size of the audience. Some speakers negotiate the cost of workbooks and handouts. Payment of travel, meals and hotel expenses is expected and can be billed after the event or sent as a retainer. Often conference planners arrange for the speakers' expenses to be charged to the conference account.

5. Is money already available or does it have to be approved?

Professional speakers require a retainer fee to hold the date. The balance is expected prior to or at the presentation. Details of payment will be spelled out in the contract provided by the speaker.

6. What audio visual equipment do you have available?

Arranging for the equipment needed by the speaker is part of the planners' job and their cost is part of budgeting. The requirements will be included in the contract and are the responsibility of the meeting planner.

7. What facilities do you have available?

A conference with many speakers often includes a hospitality suite in the hotel. Invite your speakers to use this facility prior to their presentation, especially if overnight accommodation is not provided. A few moments to prepare personally before the presentation and knowing your speaker has arrived will settle any last minute concerns. This also can give the introducing person a few moments to get acquainted with the speaker.

8. What are the names the speaker will need to know to find the right place and prepare their presentation?

An individual who greets, introduces and thanks the speaker and assists with any handouts or audio visual equipment is a treat for the speaker. Checking the microphone, lights and other equipment with the speaker will help get the event on track and avoid distracting interruptions later.

9. What feedback opportunities do you want?

Speakers often bring their own feedback sheets to gather opinions from the audience. As a planner, do you want separate evaluation forms to see if the speaker met your expectations? What information will you want from these and who is to be responsible for them?

10. Is the speaker going to sell books, CD's, tapes, posters etc.?

Some companies will not allow product sales at their meetings while others encourage it. What policy do you have about this? Be sure the speaker knows your policy.

With some careful planning you will arrange a first class event that provides the desired benefits to enhance your company's conference and meeting sessions.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed., is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist and a clinical member of The Canadian Registry for Marriage and Family Therapy. She is a consultant to families in business on inter personal relationships. She is also the author of books on personal growth through travel. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    

Conflict Resolution

By Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem, M.Ed.

Fear of conflict is common.

We are anxious when we recall past quarrels and disagreements that resulted in personal injury, either physical or emotional. We remember feeling frightened, defeated and powerless.

To avoid repeating the experience, we can become passive, agreeable or accepting. We try to please the challenger, so they do not strike out again. We believe we have some power over the other person's outbursts thinking; "If I change... things will be better."

We may withdraw from the situation, believing the problem will be solved with time. Withdrawal, not talking or avoiding contact can also be a attempt at control. Solutions are not possible with the other person absent.
Acting in these ways will not help the situation improve.

Problems need to be solved to go away. Unresolved power struggles resurface disguised in different situations.

If we verbally and physically beat on others, we have not accepted personal responsibility for our behaviour. We think others control us. Someone else "makes" me angry. We are really saying; "I do not have control over myself."

When we lash out at the ideas others present, we reveal our own anxiety. This insecurity can lead to frightening, overpowering behaviour. Conflict can only be resolved without name calling, hitting, threats of bodily harm and undermining the other person's self esteem. An atmosphere of safety is necessary.

Each person must gain control over their own behaviour. We must choose to accept responsibility for our thoughts, words and deeds. We have the power to change ourselves!

Identifying a specific problem is the first step to solving it.

Resolving a deep problem often means solving smaller superficial differences first.

We must also let go of the idea that there is always a winner and a loser. When we think we know the one "right" way, we limit our ability to negotiate. Gaining suitable results, requires a struggle to find common ground. All parties involved need to commit to solving the problems.

By sticking to the issues, using examples to make our points and communicating our wants clearly, specific areas needing resolution can be pin pointed. A desire to resolve the difference must be honestly present in each person.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed., is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist and a clinical member of The Canadian Registry for Marriage and Family Therapy. She is a consultant to families in business on inter personal relationships. She is also the author of books on personal growth through travel. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    

Many people dream of running their own business. Starting a home-based business is often the first step. In a time of downsizing and cutbacks, using the skills from previous employment in a business of one's own is a popular option.

Large companies are also recognising that the high cost of corporate offices is not always necessary and some tasks that rely heavily on computer use can be more cost effective with the employee having a home based office.

Seminars, books and franchise companies offer advice on how to set up an office. Many new business developers turn to a lawyer, accountant and bank manager for advice.

Once a business includes two members of the same family, it is a family business and is part of the estimated 60% of all companies in Canada. The involvement of a parent, spouse, child or other relative, can be a practical and economical choice. It can also cause problems that are unique to a family business.

Home based and family businesses have many advantages. These can include tax benefits, personal trust factors, lower expenses for clothing and commuting, common goals, familiarity and established patterns of working together. There can also be many pitfalls. These include the inability to separate the business from personal time and the roles played in the business may not carry over and be best for a well functioning family life. As well, conflicts from family life can spread into the business environment and cause business disruption. There may also be difficulties with different levels of commitment and energy. These can result in jealousy, and unresolved power and control issues that can undermine profit levels.

Keeping healthy family relationships and maintaining a prosperous business is a balancing act that needs skill and determination. Communicating well, managing stress, resolving conflicts and making wise decisions are all necessary.

Recognising the impact of the family on the business and the business on the family is the first step in avoiding problems. Awareness of the dynamics that are unique to this type of arrangement can create healthy families in prosperous businesses.

If problems arise, consulting with a specialist in the area of families and family business is a wise course of action. The quality of your life and livelihood may depend on it.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. a registered marriage and family therapist who consults to families in business on relationship issues from Burlington, ON Canada. www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    



< Return To Top

When infidelity threatens a marriage, friends and family may feel helpless and angry. It is hard to console the tearful person who has been betrayed. Angry outbursts erupt then they may be collapsing in despair. Children are left bewildered.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    

Read more of Marilyn's ideas at Quest Publishing. Free chapters and reviews!

Hire Marilyn to speak to your group!

The ideas have rolled around in your head for long enough. In making a commitment to writing your book, setting up a structure is important.

In order to set clear expectations for yourself, you must have sections or chapters listed with a general idea of what will go in each. You may not end up with the same sections you start with in your first layout so don't be too worried about what you call the chapters yet. This gives a framework.

Once a general outline has been set, create a directory in the word processing folders with the proposed title. Within that directory, have two folders: Needing Work and Completed. You can make hard copy folders and print out the chapters as they are completed ready for the first reader to run through the whole book but this is optional depending how you like to review your work as you go along.

Take each section or chapter of the outline and cut and paste it into a new document. Save each by number and title or descriptive word in Needing Work. This breaks down the task of writing a book into smaller sections.

Writing the prologue or forward is the next task. In the prologue explain why you are writing and what you hope to tell your reader. This will help focus your intent and keep the reader in mind as you tell your story. You may or may not use it in the final book and that can be decided later.

If I want to tell how betrayal tested my faith in friendship, I make a note on the outline where I will introduce the character who betrayed me and in which chapter I want to disclose when and how I discovered the betrayal. I also add which chapter or chapters I deal with the issues and include points as examples. I will include what I did to resolve the betrayal. By having the details pre sorted through the story line, actually writing each sections is easier.

Many stories do not have an epilogue. The epilogue is written to tell the reader where the story went and what they have experienced or learned. By writing one early in the process you create an ending boundary so when you review the whole story you can see if you have accomplished your goal. Incorporating the information from this summation into the various chapters can help keep the story on track.

In the final version, there may not be a prologue or an epilogue but creating one gives a target that can be useful when editing. Ask: Does my story lead from a premise to a conclusion and if not what needs to change?

Do not get bogged down editing one chapter to make it "perfect" as this is too time consuming and there will be additions and sections deleted later.

I often find a section of writing that includes intense emotion can be written in one sitting. Writing about confronting fear involves getting into the feeling and paying attention to my physical reactions as well as my thoughts and feelings. Emotional relief cannot come until I have the experience poured out. This can be exhausting emotionally. I plan a break afterward and do something completely different to change my mood. I have a treat planned as an incentive to get into the emotion but also knowledge that I will not stay trapped in the intensity, once the piece is written.

Finally I will make another folder called Finished. I will use it after all the chapters have been moved to Completed and I am ready to read and give another editing beginning to end in sequence. Sometimes I will add more detail to something I previously thought was finished or remove words if I feel it is too lengthy.

The next step is putting all the Finished chapters into one document. Then the first reader goes through the whole book and makes suggestions. This needs to be someone who loves to read and who you trust will be objective. You do not need to take all of their suggestions but consider them carefully. This leads to rewrites and changes in flow and clarity. You may have to develop a character more or remove repetitive sections.

Then the detail editor will start. This will catch many more issues that need rewriting, corrections, removal and adjustments. The seemingly never ending process will eventually lead to the content of a book. It then goes to the interior designer. This can result in more changes and many decisions about layout and spacing.

Cover design is a whole project in itself.

Then comes choosing a printer, paper, size and much more.

So get serious about the process of writing and someday you will have a book to be proud of. Then you are going to need to market your book. It is an ongoing project, so get started!

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    

Stand in front of a mirror and what do you see? Where does your gaze go? What inner dialogue or head talk do you hear?

Some people try not to listen to their inner voice thinking it is evidence that they are crazy. This is not true. The inner voice is guiding and directing your actions and beliefs whether or not you are listening.

As you look in the mirror do you focus on the piece of hair that goes its own way, a facial mark, a spot on your tie or the size of your nose? Are your inner words full of criticism and disapproving value judgments? Are your ears only tuned to rejecting messages? Do your eyes scan past your valuable features? Is your sensitivity level turned up high to faultfinding messages or tones of voice? Can you hear affirming words and caring messages?

The ability to look at you looking back at yourself and seeing your unique and wonderful aspects is a skill necessary for a mentally positive self-concept. Notice the warmth in your smile, the tilt of your brow or the dimple in your chin. Look for the features that are part of what those who care about you know and appreciate. Give yourself a pat on the shoulder and some encouragement.

Feel the shift in your physical posture, muscle tension and facial expression when you say critical words vs. when you say positive things to yourself.

How do you change when you think and say words that positively support and encourage you? Be attentive to these changes and you will start to be aware of some of the physical aches and pains you feel when you get stressed.

Think of several terms that you use to describe yourself. Listen to the words that you use to characterize your personal qualities. Say them out loud.

I am ...... !

Would you say these statements about yourself in public? Would you classify this as selfish and bragging! Is it more acceptable to you to be derogatory and denounce your gifts and charming qualities? Is criticism more familiar than praise?

Learning to love yourself is essential in the development of the ability to be loving with others. If you focus on your own faults you will most likely highlight the shortcomings of others.

If you do tend to center on the mistakes of others, consider what was programmed into your thinking when you were growing. Prejudice and intolerance of others reveals insecurity, rigid thinking, and fear. These are the opposite to love. Love involves opening up of our selves, heart, mind and soul.

Looking at yourself in the mirror can be a scary adventure. Seeing who is looking back, straight in the eye, confronts you with your perception of the person you have become. Do you have the courage to be honest with yourself?

God, by whatever name you use for the universal force of life, is living in the world today, and manifests in the actions of human beings. Can you see your God looking back at you? Is the God in whom you believe a God of criticism and struggle or of acceptance and love?

There is also great evil, distrust and hate alive in the world today. Violence in our society, in our homes and family relationships, reveal it.

We must cast the evil out of our lives and confront with trust and courage the values that are the core of healthy living.

Love is not placid and passive. Love is passionate and active. Each small step an individual takes, to replace lies with truth, criticism with praise, fear with love, is a step to a new way of living. Live in trust that your God's support is present in your life.

How much you are the person you want to be is determined by the way you act and react and the choices you make. When you take a risk and start to get to know yourself, you can confront the way you manifest your faith into the world. This reveals your ability to let love into your life.

Learning to love involves learning to face your self, your fears, and accepting responsibility to become the person you want to be. Your God is always there with you, like your inner dialogue, whether you are listening or not.

Being able to accept love comes when you are ready to hear loving messages from yourself and others. Are you ready? Are you listening?

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    

As the saying goes: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

Sexual fantasies are a part of a normal active imagination and playing out those fantasies can be fun. How this is done is vital to maintaining self esteem, self respect and your real life relationships.

Many men have problems accepting that women have sexual expectations, desires and fantasies. They fear their own performance will not live up to the fantasies. They feel threatened. They do not want their partner to engage in girls' nights out.

There is also a double standard with some men that it is alright for them to look at women lustfully but it is not normal for women to do the same. Lack of clear understanding and communication can needlessly cause serious problems in committed monogamous relationships. It can also hamper the development of new intimate dating relationship.

If you want to have a fun on a girls' night out:

1. Let your man know that it is about fun and fantasy.
2. Be clear about what restrictions you have for yourself.
3. Know your limits with alcohol and or drugs.
4. Don't let peer pressure get you into doing something you don't want to do.
5. Be open with your partner after the event so no one can tell stories about your behaviour that could cause you problems.

Fantasy is something that is not real and is based on a made up version or story. When women see the near naked body of an attractive male entertainer, they project their desires onto that male. When they lose sight of the fact that what they create is in fact not real, they can behave in ways that break their own moral code.

Feeling sexually aroused or hot can take blood away from the brain into the genital area. The excitement, especially if it is accompanied by alcohol or drug use, can result in poor choices. A lonely wife or sexually frustrated woman can imagine she is the one desired by the provocatively behaving male. This is a great escape from the stresses and strains of real life. It is however not reality. It can lead to a dangerous situation.

Recognize:

1. Truth builds trust, so tell your partner the truth.
2. Sharing fantasies evoked by the girls' night can lead to a more adventurous sexual relationship with your partner.
3. Creating a new deal about what behaviour is alright for each partner from areas of conflict can strengthen the relationship. Different couples have different tolerance levels.
4. If you feel your behaviour needs to be hidden from your husband you are probably out of line.
5. If you are fantasizing about the entertainer after the event you need to talk to someone about your ideas. It is his job to get your fantasies churning not to fulfill them.

Using fantasy to compensate for a bad relationship will not help create the quality of life you desire. Using fantasy for fun and safe enjoyment is a great stress reliever. So fuel your fantasies and enjoy! At the end of the party go back to reality refreshed by laughter, fun and friendship!

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    

The starry eyed bride and puffed up with pride groom believe their marriage was made in heaven and trust it will work.

The client couple sit in front of the marriage counsellor and say; “Our marriage just isn't working." or "I'm not IN love anymore."

Marriages don't work but couples can work to make the style of marriage they desire. They can rekindle that IN love feeling.

Genuine marriages are based on agreements the couple make with each other. Not only do they make deals, they work to hold up their part of the responsibilities they assume. If one agrees to do the laundry and the other to handle the garbage, they accept the job and do it without having to be asked, nagged or reminded. In a well functioning marriage each partner takes their roles and responsibilities seriously.

One way to work at marriage is to discuss problems with your spouse and not with someone who has no power or ability to solve the problem. Too often people turn to a family member, a friend or start a new relationship instead of clearly identifying the problem and working it through with their partner. Problems can be solved. It takes two willing partners who are committed to being married to each other. Sometimes it take professional help.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    

1. Have a realistic expectation of what you can earn and what it will cost to earn those dollars,
2. Know what perks you have and what contributions you make to your household because of the way you have chosen to work so you can explain them to your spouse,
3. Keep a close eye on your expenses and be sure to budget for things like insurance that don't happen every month.
4. Help your spouse understand why life is better because of the way you have chosen to work. This could include time flexibility, home and child supervision, expanded network of social contacts and subsidized travel.
5. Be clear about the intention of your job. For many women it is the desire for self fulfillment and personal growth that matters more than the income.
6. If your business is used as a tax write off against your husband's income be sure that this is something you have agreed to and know that a loss is expected.
7. Consulting with an accountant is imperative.
8. Make a deal with your spouse about how long work hours, evening and weekend commitments and time away from home if applicable, will be handled.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    

Retirement is a Time of Change in Lifestyle and A Time of Adjustment

By Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem, M.Ed.

Retirement is a lifestyle people dream about. It is also a time of adjustment.

When we retire is influenced by many factors, and is not always by our own choice.

Sometimes, the time at which one member of a couple retires is different than the other. This can be a source of joy or jealousy, new beginnings or resentment and bickering.

The working spouse needs to accept their work is leading to the quality of life they will both have, in the form of income, when they share retirement.

Problems must be identified to be solved. Too often people want a quick fix to major life changes. The better prepared for the change, the more flexible the attitudes and the willingness to work on keeping the relationship satisfactory for both partners, the higher the chance of a smooth transition into new roles and ways of relating as a couple.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

"I can't get him off my mind! I am afraid to admit even to my best friend, but I am becoming obsessed with my boss. The attraction is like a magnet pulling me into a void that I both crave and fear. I think I'm falling in love!"

Many successful families started with a relationship between people who met at work. Therefore, if you are looking for love, look around at the people you know and meet through your work.

While the work environment might seem "off limits" for romance, it could be the best meeting ground available.

Determining company policy about personal relationships between colleagues is wise. Some companies encourage relationships within the organization and hire family members with the belief that this creates greater loyalty. Other companies will fire both parties who engage in intimate personal relationships. Before you act, know your company policy.

Closeness often results when people are working on projects together. They focus their emotional energy and there can be excitement in these relationships. There are often shared jokes and playful teasing. Laughter is good for a sense of well being. Receiving positive attention is good for the ego. Many people spend more of their waking time in the workplace than in their homes. Similarity of attitudes breeds attraction. At work, people are usually on their best behaviour, well dressed, confident and feeling powerful. Power is sexy!

Working long hours on creative projects can be sexually stimulating. Feeling sexually charged is normal and healthy. Travelling to meetings, eating in fine restaurants and staying at classy hotels, is the perfect climate for sexual chemistry to mix and intimacy to grow. Men and women openly admit they like the charge that sexual arousal can create. This can be invigorating when life has become routine and heavy with responsibility.

Work place romance may be wonderful but it can also destroy careers. Secret meetings and communications can sap energy and resources that could be better used for constructive work. Jealousy and gossip can destroy chances for advancement. The traditional belief that women get promoted when they sleep with the boss still prevails. Many women have been hurt deeply when their boss moves on to his next target or when they find out he has more than one lover.

Be aware of your feelings and acknowledge they are normal human emotions. Take responsibility for your decisions and actions. You are not powerless! Just because you feel the attraction, you do not have to act on it. You can defuse it.

To avoid an intimate relationship avoid some of the situations that create the intimacy. Boundaries need to be built to maintain a professional standard of conduct. Let your feelings cool.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Moving to another country can result in missing all that has been familiar, while facing the challenges of adapting to a new environment. Sharing the experience and feelings with someone new can create intimacy that often leads to emotional and physical infidelity. Why does this happen and what are the consequences?

With over twenty-five years experience as a registered marriage and family therapist, I have worked with individuals and couples where a relationship outside the confines of a monogamous committed relationship has been an issue causing great pain. Trust is shattered and what started out as something quite innocent ends in emotional and financial devastation.

"I never thought it would all become public."

The availability of global communication in an instant means news anywhere can travel everywhere.

"I never dreamed it could ruin my career."

Some companies have policies forbidding office romances and demanding honesty, integrity and reliability of it's employees. Infidelity is seen as a breach of judgment, a betrayal of trust and a black mark on the employee. Know your company policy.

"It was so far away, how did everyone ever find out?"

People who are angry and feel betrayed usually want to strike out and want to hurt the person who is behind their pain. Emotions often over ride judgment. Without ever suspecting their angry outburst could result in a job loss and financial ruin for everyone involved. Some people even try to get a person fired for infidelity. It is seen as a weakness in character for many.

Relocation of One Partner for Short Term Work

When a contract position or assignment to another country is such that relocation of the couple or family is not realistic there can be dangers of marital infidelity.

Many people who face living alone try to cope by putting on a happy front and playing the role expected in the new country. This can result in emotional exhaustion. Keeping up one's guard is tiring. Once in the privacy of their own living space when they can let down their guard, loneliness and fear of fitting in can be overwhelming. Tears may be common for some. This is normal and part of relieving stress. It also creates a sense of desire to be held, comforted and consoled. It can lead to finding a willing stranger to ease the pain.

"I thought a sexual encounter would help me feel less lonely. Now the guilt is killing me."

The more a person is used to sharing their life with significant others the more the loneliness and insecurity will be prevalent. Questions about what to wear, where to shop, challenges with a new language and colloquial phrases can be a constant nagging concern that somehow they just aren't good enough. Insecurity can lead to self doubt and stress. Constantly comparing how things are in the new location to what they are used to at home, keeps the stress level high and fuels the fear of not adapting. This type of reaction tends to overtake people who were insecure, have difficulty adapting to change and need personal reassurance. This can also make them vulnerable to a romantic encounter that they would never consider at home.

Finding someone who is empathetic, understanding and with whom they can share their feelings can start out as something innocent. There is something special about someone with whom we shared our selves. It can however soon turn into an emotional dependence and eventually become sexualized.

"I thought we were just friends until we touched. The chemistry was just so strong."

Lust feels like chemistry. It grows in our gut and spreads to our genitals and drains both the blood and common sense from our brains. It is not a sign of true love, finding our soul mate or fate. It is a chemical reaction within that can lead to poor decisions. Adding alcohol and or drugs can make the ability to form a good judgment worse.

There are people who frequent places particularly to target the people who are obviously new and insecure and who will build a sense of trust just to enjoy a short romantic and sexual relationship. These people will make promises and build fantasies but are often already married, passing through or on time limited assignments.

I have worked with couples where it has obviously been an opportunity for the pursuer who took advantage of the vulnerable new person in town. Healing the humiliation for the victim and finding the sympathy and empathy in their spouse can be a long and difficult journey. Rebuilding trust is challenging. For many couples it can be done. Professional assistance can help the healing.

Sometimes it's the spouse of the person working in a foreign land who has difficulty adjusting. The usual routines of life can be boring. Trying to understand the turmoil and anxiety in phone calls from far away and emails can be difficult. With too much time on their hand they can find their thoughts taking them places that lead to temptations.

Good listening skills are important to help the travelling spouse protect themselves. Sometimes the concerns can sound petty. Often the spouse at home cannot understand their partners frustrations as they feel the new adventure is glamorous and much more exciting than their mundane home responsibilities. It can also be a time of jealousy and resentment, fear and insecurity for the one at home. This can leave this person vulnerable to an emotional connection with a friend, co-worker, neighbour or new acquaintance.

Good communication and recognition of the long range commitment this couple has made to each other is vital to keep their connection as lovers and life partners. Honesty is also important to maintain trust.

Another occasion where there is the opportunity to meet people is on trips to and from home. Sharing feelings, including the sense of boredom and isolation that can occur with relocation, can result in the beginnings of an intimate relationship. It is the sense of feeling understood that starts the connection. I have had many clients who started infidelities with people they met on planes and at airports. Some predators seek potential individuals for illicit affairs and being pursued can be seductive and exciting. It can also have devastating consequences.

Relocation of the Couple or Family

If both members of the couple or the entire family has moved, and family members can share the new experiences and insecurities through discussions, mutual support can be given. This increases intimacy within the couple or family and acts like a blockade to infidelities.

When one spouse is working long hours and trying to adapt in the business environment and the other is left to create the home and adjust to new surroundings, their challenges can be quite different. The greater their ability to share and really understand and support the other the higher their intimacy and the less likely their relationship will be threatened.

With relocation some people dive into the new culture wanting to dress and live as if they have always belonged to the new society. Some jobs demand this. This can also happen if the working spouse has made many trips to the new location so feels more acclimatized to the culture or knows the language well. These people can appear overconfident focusing on the challenges and uniqueness of the experience offered and there is no experience of missing home. If their spouse is insecure, homesick and having difficulty adjusting the chance of finding an empathetic connection with a new acquaintance increases. Like minded people often are attracted to each other as if by some magical force.

A man who travels with his wife and chooses to be the primary child care giver can associate with wives and mothers at the park, school activities and in conversation over the children that can lead to intimate relationships while their spouse is distracted with work.

Some Signs of Potential Danger

1. A change in the level or absence of sharing daily activities and feelings.
2. Long periods of time that are unexplained or avoided.
3. Introduction of a new name or too often mentioning of a new friend.
4. Broken promises about meeting, calling or emailing.
5. Terms of endearment are changed or missing.
6. Talk of new activities and interests that seem unusual.
7. A gut reaction that something has changed.

What Can Be Done

1. Commit to being faithful and keep communication with your spouse open.
2. Share temptations with your spouse so issues of loneliness and isolation can be addressed.
3. Become involved in community activities to keep associations with other adults where the focus is on an activity.
4. Avoid activities that promote romantic fantasies like singles bars.
5. Block flirtations and don't flirt.
6. Stay aware of feelings and personal reactions.
7. Share temptations with a trusted other and ask them to help with situations where you might be vulnerable.
8. Relieve your own sexual frustrations.
9. Look at the BIG picture so long range goals are kept in focus.
10. Renew your commitment to be monogamous with your spouse.
11. Get professional help if temptations threaten.
12. Be aware that adultery, emotional and physical infidelity, will drastically change your self view and your life.

Building a loving trusting relationship takes work but the rewards can last a lifetime.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Read more of Marilyn's ideas at Quest Publishing. Free chapters and reviews!

Following social rules for politeness does not get new business. While some of the rules for polite communication should be maintained, being open to changing those rules to suit the business situation will be more productive. Business manners must be more assertive than those used in social situations.

Waiting until someone asks about what the business does, rather than proudly talking about what products and services are offered, might be polite, but when attending a networking function, building a network of people with whom business relationships can be established is the goal.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. consults to families in buisiness on relationship issues from Burlington, ON Canada. www.mbcinc.ca

Why Be A Volunteer? What's In It For Me?

By Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem, M.Ed.

What is in it for me, to volunteer my time and energy?

Volunteering allows me to be part of a group of respected, well meaning people who serve others. In my volunteer work, I find like minded people who share my vision to be part of a happier well functioning community. Personal relationships don't work, people work at having good relationships. Giving is part of working on a relationship.

When I started volunteering, I was intimidated at the wealth of skills and abilities among the volunteers. I met many hard working people doing meaningful work. I also found appreciation for my skills. There was a great sense of conviviality, lots of laughs and stories galore. When I thought I couldn't manage the work load, I found amazing support from other volunteers. I came to realize it was partly my sense of independence and as an eldest daughter my characteristic of taking on too much and not wanting to ask for help.

Every part of life asks us to make an investment in time and often money. Where we invest determines how our life evolves. My investment in volunteering has included:

• being on a board,
• attending meetings and conferences,
• driving and shopping with and for others,
• reading, writing and distributing literature,
• stuffing envelopes,
• making phone calls,
• canvassing,
• managing fund raising events,
• selling at fundraisers,
• listening to the frustration of others and offering support and advice,
• presenting at meetings and conferences,
• much more.

What do I get from volunteering depends on what I give. Being a volunteer has enriched my life by bringing satisfaction when goals are reached, introducing me to new and interesting people, giving me opportunities to learn new skills and helping me have a sense of being a part of the solution to the problems in life. I cannot imagine my life without the wonderful experiences I have had as a volunteer.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. is a registered marriage and family therapist. See more about her at www.mbcinc.ca

Please share this article and Marilyn's contact information.    

Children who are bullied need to know they are not the problem. Bullying is about the bully needing to feel powerful. They believe their wants are more important than anyone else's. They have learned to be abusers.

Bullying always involves
• Intimidation through specific tactics meant to instill fear
• Threats of emotional, physical and psychological harm
• Discrimination by accusing the victim of being inferior or wrong
• Isolation of the victim from others who may give support.

We must help the victims. This can be done by;
• Listening to their stories of life at school
• Watching for changes in behaviour, especially from happy to fearful
• Observing their play and listening to how they interact with others
• Asking about any indications that hint at being afraid or avoiding people or places.

You are looking for fear of the school yard, anxiety about who will be in their class, talk of having no friends, worry about their teacher's treatment of them and in general a focus on feeling safe rather than excited to be able to learn and grow.
We can identify bullies by;
• Watching the way they talk to and about other children
• Observing the way their parents speak to them
• Look at who their friends are and the interaction between them
• Paying attention to the types of games they play and TV programs they prefer.

Signs include belittling and name calling, talk of "getting" other people, a superior attitude with lack of care and empathy for others and forming groups where the group acts aggressively against siblings, younger children or members of a race, religion or sexual orientation. Bullies often present as confident and popular so people believe they are not the cause of the problem.

Parents must hold school officials accountable to stop abusive behaviour on the school yard and in the classroom. The first place to look is at the principals and teachers who bully students.

Every school year parents work to keep their children out of certain teacher's classes because those teachers are bullies. It is often the parents who are least involved in their children's lives whose children get the abusive teachers.

Too often children are seen as the problem, their aches and pains and reluctance to go to school are looked at but not the classroom environment.
• Parents can work together.
• Get supportive people to work as a group to hold bullies accountable.
• Avoid TV programs that show bullies in action.
• Be Self aware of tactics you may use to get your way
• Watch the way others speak to your child and confront abuse.

People who bully are usually going about their lives confident that the victim's physical and emotional reactions were because they are too sensitive, not mentally well and author of their own misfortune.

Bullies have usually been bullied. They are afraid of appearing weak or fearful. They need to tell their story of who has bullied them and how that behaviour has influenced their life to break the chain. It may be a parent, sibling, grandparent, friend, neighbour, role model on television, religious leader or teacher. Legal tactics include bullying as do many other forms of business interaction. Many workplaces are filled with bullies. War is bullying to the extreme.

There are lifelong repercussions of bullying that effect the way a person functions in their home and in society. Bullying causes a loss in self confidence, hinders achievement, disrupts routines, brings fear into the lives of parents and children, prevents parents from protecting their children out of their own fear and leads to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

Accountability involves forgiveness. Bullies need to,
• Hear the impact of their behaviour on their victim
• Be willing to accept responsibility for the harm they have done
• Compensate the victim
• Apologize

Society must evolve to a point where bullies are held accountable and their behaviour is seen as unacceptable if we are to ever live in peace as people, nations and globally.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. consults to families in buisiness on relationship issues from Burlington, ON Canada. www.mbcinc.ca